i see you driving round town with the girl i love

Been out of my mind for a while.

Some would argue a long while.

I have lived in my apartment for 6 days.

I have lived in this city for 3 months, tomorrow.

Weird.  But good.  In a weird "i'm not happy, but i am am" sort of way.

I listen to Cee Lo Green's song "F**k You" on repeat.  It's good. I promise.

XO.

Happy Birthday.

It's my beau's mom's 70th birthday today.

She passed away two weeks ago.  Watching his heart break has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

I want to make all his pain go away.  I can't. 

I'm a control freak.

I'm a self centered control freak.

I need to celebrate life more often.  The little things.  Time with people.  Walking around.  Waking up.  Sleeping.  Eating.  Loving.  Breathing.  Hearing.  Talking.  Making mistakes...

We each have such a beautiful, perfectly imperfect existence.  Like a delicate candle flame, we can be snuffed out..gone in an instant.  All that's left are the smokey vapors swirling in the air.  But until then, we have that candle's fire, that burns and burns, brighter and brighter.  Our life.  Its pretty dang stunning.

XO.

A Gift For Melody Anne

It's been a while.

A lot has happened.

I feel like I did when I was a kid.  When I hadn't prayed in a long time, I would feel bad for ignoring God, but too ashamed to talk to him about it...so I would stay away.

I'll start back slowly.

I listened to this song on repeat for about two hours:

I want to get back



I want to get square


I want to get back all the hopes and the dreams that I had


That the good lord above us can't spare


Like that actor said I don't want to lose heart


I don't want to get beat beat down by the big big world


Or quit before I even start






Lord I just want my life to be true


And I just want my heart to be true


And I just want my words to be true


I want my soul to feel brand new






I want to hold hands


And I want make love


I want to keep running all day and all night


Even when my mind tells my body that's enough






And I want to stand up and I want to stand tall


If I ever have a son, if I ever have a daughter


I don't want to tell them that I didn't give my all






And I just want my life to be true


I just want my heart to be true


I just want my words to be true


I want my soul to feel brand brand new


Like a fresh coat of paint


We can make it anything but blue


Anything but blue






Now when your dreams start saying I can't come true


You'd be better off without me


Don't let em go, don't let em go






I don't want to go broke, not from one bad deal


I don't want to be up all night crying in my hands


For a girl that isn't even real






Lord I just want my life to be true


And I just want my heart to be true


And I just want my words to be true


And I just want my song to be true


And I just want my heart to be true


And I just want my life to be true


And I just want my words to be true


And I just want my heart to be true


And I just want my life to be true


And I just want my song to be true


And I just want my life to be true


I want my soul to feel brand new


I want my soul to feel brand new


XO.

Life is good.

SO....FL is awesome.  I am getting paid to lay by the roof top pool and drink pina coladas...well we did do two shows yesterday...

We are in Punta Gorda.  It is beautiful.  Our hotel is swanky and posh.  I feel like a sophisticated (spoiled lady).  Its funny to think only a couple of weeks ago we were stranded on the side of the road in the snow.  A day like today makes touring pretty darn desirable. 

Much has happened since our little miracle Emma appeared.  We had a couple of shows in Ohio, then headed back south to North Carolina.  Did two shows at East Carolina University.  Then headed to Spartanburg for a couple of days.  Spartanburg was a treat because my Beau and two of my loveliest friends came to visit!  I was also surprised by my friend Amy who came to the show!  I am one lucky gal.  We went to this Spartanburg dive called The Beacon.  They are known for great food and this thing called the pig's dinner.  It consists of about 20 scoops of icecream, piled high with pineapple and strawberry topping, covered (and I mean TOTALLY covered) in whipped cream.  We ate this.  It was awesome.

The time with my CLT friends and my beau was much needed and put an extra spring in my step.  We got to Orange Park, FL Tuesday.  I was in for another treat...my dear friend from high school lives in Jacksonville so we got together for a lovely dinner in her neighborhood.  Oh so refreshing! 

I drove us the 5 hours to Punta Gorda on Thursday.  FL drivers are the worst.  They either sit in the left lane going about 10 miles under the speed limit or pass you in the right lane going 100 mph.  Sheesh.  But we got to our swanky hotel safe and sound.  Oh...we also all got our own rooms.  The front desk made a mistake...too bad for us ;) 

Yesterday was a productive day.  We had two (very good) shows in the morning...I made an audition video for a theatre out in Washington State...edited it, sent it...sat poolside...gussied up for a Sarasota dinner adventure...ended up at the Daiquiri Deck in Siesta Key...reminded my of my sweet Grandma...fell asleep in the van on the way back.  It was a good day.

Today consisted of NOTHING but lazing by the pool and getting (too much) sun.  I feel great.  Really.

West Palm Beach tomorrow...my life just SUCKS.  :)

XO.

life is beautiful.

I think my Pandora radio station can read my mind.  It must be run by witches.  Good ones. 

Life is weird.  One instant a baby is born screaming into this world.  That same instant someone is born screaming into the next world.  Some people work and work and work and get nothing.  Some people do nothing and get everything.  Existing can be so easy sometimes.  Other times its a struggle to lift your head.  We can be happy, sad, disgusted, warped, crazy, sick, joyous, pissed, tired, hungry, drunk, sober, annoyed, devastated, ugly, generous, in love, hateful, stupid, jealous, intimidated, inspired, uplifted, infatuated, self-conscious, confident, full of it, excited...any of it.  Any moment.  A million at a time.  Why are some people sad?  Why do some people live until they are 99 and others go before they get a chance to do a damn thing?  The other day I saw a head line that said, "Afghan Civilian Deaths Double".  I worry about my next job.  Some people worry about stepping outside of their houses.


Music is good.  Babies are good.  Laughter is good.  Spring is good.  Flowers are good.  Love is good.  Art is good.  Color is good.  Hot showers are good.  Cold beer is good.  Making mistakes is good.  Learning from them is better.  Life is weird.

And beautiful.  Each of us is living a play.  It's the most important piece of art that we work on.

XO.

Ohio

Miss Emma

SO...

The last week as been IN-TEEEEEEEEEEENSE.  I was last spotted in Memphis, I believe.  Well, I suppose the last things I left you with were some pictures with cryptic descriptions...I am tired...bare with me.  OK...So Memphis last Wednesday (the Orpheum was the BOMB fyi) and after my show I flew to IN to visit Melis, Cam and ConCon for a couple days before meeting my tour fam in OH.  Meleese was 8 1/2 months preggo so I thought a little visit before things got crazy would be fun for all.  I stayed with Con man Thurs. afternoon while Melis went to a routine Doctor's appt.  She walked in the door and said, "Um...the Dr. said I could have this baby in the next 24 hours..."  Welp...my little heart started ticking so fast it was like to burst from my chest.  We both sprang into action...laundering baby clothes...changing sheets...packing hospital bags...putting together the baby bed...And oh yeah, she was having contractions this whole TIME.  By the evening time her contractions were close enough together that she and Cam decided it was time to head to the hospital.  WHAT?!?!?!  I couldn't believe it.  I had been joking with my tour fam about how I was gonna tell Melis to jump around and dump her little one out early...I had no idea my voodoo would really work...actually...now that I think about it...I did mess around with a voodoo doll on Beale street...hmmm.  But, luckily I was there and was able to be the Con man's play thing for the next couple of days.  After a fitful night's sleep (?) I got a call around 7:14 AM from a tired sounding Cam saying that Melis wanted me to come over to the hospital...that it was imminent!  AH!  I leapt from the bed, threw on yesterday's dirty clothes and started to brush my teeth when I heard the creak of a door knob and a sweet little voice say "Caro-loin?"  I couldn't leave the poor little guy in a lurch, so I got him changed, snacked and T.Ved...handed the reigns over to Poopa and headed to the hospital.  I walked into the delivery room to the sweetest sight my 25 year old eyes had ever seen.  A tearful mommy and daddy staring at the smallest, most helpless, sweetest little lump of girly love I had ever seen...about 15 minutes old.  It was love at first sight ya'll.  I was 'bout to burst!  I kissed my tired, glowing sister on the head and gawked at her and her sweetness for about 45 minutes, until some grandparents started arriving.  I drove back filled with sleepiness and a lump of love in my chest and relayed my morning to my Dad (Poopa) and the Con man.  Cam eventually picked Con up to go meet his new sister (Emma Lee Cook!).   He was decked out in his "Big Bro" shirt, and he picked out his brown tennies to wear.  I truly couldn't (and still can't) believe it actually happened while I was there...two weeks early for heaven's sake!  Dad and I tag teamed the Conster until Sunday when the new addition came home to stay.  The time I spent with Connor is and will be some of the most precious memories of my life.  I love that little rascal more than I could even begin to describe.  When the babe in arms came home I got to snuggle her almost all afternoon.  IT.  WAS.  HEAVEN.  I could have died in her little eyes.  Those four days were priceless...I can't even think about either of those angels' faces without tearing up! OOOOOH!  My mom even got in on Sunday, so I got to see her for a little while too. 

After a tearful goodbye, I started my drive to meet the gang in Elyria, OH.  It was the last thing I wanted to do...leave all my sweeties behind.  BUT, because mom and dad were both in IN they were able to bring Con to see my show today.  I cried after they left.  Some teacher saw me playing with Con after the show and asked if he was "mine".  I told her that he was my nephew...but was thinking that I would claim him in an instant.  I took him backstage to my dressing room to retrieve my keys to hand over to Noonie and Poopa, and on the walk he asked, "Caroloin, after you do your show...you come to my house?"  (I am welling up right now!  sheesh!)  I had to take a little breath, shove down the lump in my throat and say, "Well Con, I have to go to some other places to do my show...but I am going to come and visit you as soon as I can."  Priceless.

Whew. 

Other things of note (Must change subject...to stop the tears...daaaaaang!):

Got my federal tax refund today
Bought a new bra. (mine are so ratty)
Ate Chik-fil-a
Got my roots touched up and a killer hair cut (Don't worry Mom ...it's still long...)
Skyped for the very first time
Oh...and my lil sissy got some BIG news (Congrats! AH!)

Off to NC tomorrow...closer to home...things are good in this world even though they aren't really.  Babies are born everyday.  They are all sweet, and pure and helpless.  Isn't it kinda funny though that even though they're helpless...they will probably be the ones who end up helping us?  hmmmm...

Oh I love her...and him....and lots of other folks too.

XOXOXOXOXOXO.